hey little baby 2.

Hey little baby,
It's me, your mom, again. I am just writing you another little letter about your family.
This time I want you to meet your dad.
I cannot tell you with words how much I love, respect, and just really enjoy this man. I have not had the fortune of being acquainted with many outstanding men, but I have had the pleasure of knowing at least one, your dad. Christopher Bennion Garff.
You're dad was born on August 1st, 1980. When you are born he will be 35 years and 2 months old. He is the youngest of five children in his family. He has one sister and three brothers. Your Grandpa's name is Paul and his wife, the grandma you will know, is Vicky. Your dad's mom's name is Peggy. She passed away in 2006, before your dad and I met. Your dad talks about her a lot because he loves her a lot and he misses her.
Your dad doesn't have a favorite color because he doesn't care. He likes all foods and doesn't mind doing the cooking. He also isn't scared of trying new foods or cooking new recipes or just "whipping something up" without a recipe. He doesn't really like asian salad anymore (I think it may be because I had it with dinner too much, haha) and he doesn't like to get carried away with onions and he hates walnuts.
Your dad's favorite thing to do is slalom ski and he is very good at it. He also loves playing basketball and softball and watching or listening to Jazz games. He makes time for all of those favorite things but he also enjoys doing yard work, mowing, riding bikes, and hiking...but most of all being with his family. I think he also likes swimming and although I have never seen him swim, other than with the family, I believe he is rather good at lap swimming...which brings me to my next topic...
Your dad is good at everything. If he doesn't know how to do something he will learn and he works hard and he is a perfectionist. This is why he is good at everything. Seriously, he is good at everything. I am not saying it to brag on him because sometimes it drives me crazy but I love him for it at the same time.
Your dad is also very honest, trustworthy, loyal, strong-willed, deeply loving, respectful, dedicated, forgiving, and non-judgmental. He is what every man should be and I am lucky to be his wife and friend, the girls are lucky to be his step-daughters, and you are lucky to be his child. If you can grow to be half the human he is you will grow to be great.
Now that I put your dad on a pedestal let's bring it down a notch or at least back to a human level. Your dad is also goofy, funny as hell, annoying, and he has the worst farts known to man. Hahaha. He sings, whistles, and claps all the time. He makes dumb puns and dresses is "weird" clothes. Your dad doesn't care what other people think, he's just himself and he's always been himself and he will always be himself. Seriously your dad is the best human I know. All these things were supposed to bring him down a notch but really they just make him even better. You are going to love him so much and he is thrilled as punch to have you as his child.
Love,
Mom

hey little baby.

Little baby,

Hi! It's me, mom. I thought I would just take a few minutes and introduce you to your family.

You have two sisters. Sadie and Hannah. Sadie was born August 25th, 2007--so when you're born she'll be 8 years + 2 months old and Hannah was born May 24th, 2009 so she will be 6 years + 5 months old (when you're born). 

Anyways, let's start with the oldest. 

Sadie Grace Jackson.

Sadie's favorite color right now is blue but not just any blue...blue with a little green. Like the ocean. 

She loves tacos and "smushed beans" (aka: refried beans) and she doesn't like cheese.

Her favorite things to do are playing tag, riding her bike, swimming, and playing uno...which she is very good at. She beats your dad and I at uno ALL THE TIME (and I am not helping her win.) Sadie also loves drawing and making things using scissors and glue and pretty much anything that's lying around...like socks, clothing, and things I'd rather her not use. Sadie likes going to school but doesn't really like homework. When she comes home she just wants to play.

Sadie is a very kind-hearted person and loves to make people happy. This is a lot of the time a good thing because she learns lessons quickly and isn't quick to get upset or angry. Sometimes it can be, well, not so good to be so people-pleasing, sometimes when she should put herself first she puts others first. For example, she would literally give you the shirt off her back...but she may freeze in the process, haha. Sadie is also very showing of love in other ways. She always has the best compliments and nice things to say. Her love languages are "words of affirmation" and "touch". She loves hearing that you are proud of her, that she did a good job, or that you think she is funny or smart or fast. She also loves hugs, high fives, head rubs, and knuckles. I wouldn't call Sadie "snuggly" but she does like being shown love through physical expression.

If Sadie had one favorite thing it would be her blanket. You're Nanny (my mom) made it for her when she was almost 18 months old and she has slept with it every night since. Her favorite part about it is her "top". It's a little tab of fabric that isn't tied in a knot. I'm not sure where the name "top" came from but she's been calling it that since she got it. Haha.

Sadie is also a very honest person. She hardly ever tells a lie and when she does lie she is horrible at it and usually fesses up quickly. (Being horrible at lying is a good thing.)

There are a lot of other things that you will find out for yourself about Sadie but that will do for now. One last thing. Sadie already loves you so much. She wrote you a card for when you were born so that you would know how much she loves you. She worked really hard on it and got mad because she "messed up" on her stairs that she drew and I had to convince her that you wouldn't mind and that you would love it all the same. Haha. She already is to Hannah and will be to you too, the best big sister you could wish for. 

Now for Hannah.

Hannah Paige Jackson.
Hannah's favorite color changes every day but the last time I asked it was dark blue and the time before that I think it was white. I think that may alone be a metaphor of Hannah's personality. She is a rainbow. Hannah's favorite food is probably pasta and cheez-it crackers (the orange kind, not the white kind). Hannah loves to swim and hike and go on little adventures...she also likes riding her bike but not for long distances. She LOVES playing pretend and has a very vivid imagination. She draws very well and has a very different style than her big sis.

Hannah is a deep lover. She is not immediately loving but once you've earned her love, she loves very deeply. I see this as a very good trait. Once you have Hannah as a friend it's hard to lose her. With this deep love that she gives she also expects a certain amount of love and tenderness back. Hannah's love languages are quality time and touch. Hannah is definitely a snuggler and the more quality time she gets with you the happier she is. Sometimes she gets really irritated when you play one way and she plays another and sometimes this comes off as her being bossy or rude but I really believe she just wants to connect and she feels most connected when everyone is "playing the same game"/focused. 

If Hannah had a favorite thing it would be her Teddy. I think Hannah was about 17 months old when she got Teddy as a Christmas present from me. There wasn't an immediate closeness with it but over time it grew and now it is her favorite toy. Hannah also has a blanket that Nanny made her but she isn't attached to it like Sadie is hers. (Nanny will be making you a blanket too pretty soon.)

Hannah is a very kind and tender-hearted little person. Sometimes she can be a whirlwind of emotions but she is always really lovable and never dull. 

Hannah also loves you very much. She loves to talk to you and hug you through my belly and is always asking when you are going to "come out". Haha. She is very excited to meet you and be your big sister. 

One last thing. You may notice when you are older that your sisters have a different last name than you and sometimes they go away for a bit. This is because Sadie and Hannah's dad is not the same person as your dad. Sometimes they go away to stay with their dad or have long summer vacations away from home. This may be a little different than the lives you may see your friends at church or at school living; but always know that no matter how long your sister's are gone or how far away they are, they love you so much and they are thinking of you and they will be back. Our life is a little different than some but it's a good life and I hope you love living it as much as we do.

Love,  

Mom

s#!t just got real.

We're excited to see what this new little person will bring to our family! 

Baby Garff coming October 2015!

June 2014.

I haven't blogged in a while but things here are going great. We're all on summer break and loving every minute. We moved into our new place the last week S had school and we're settled in pretty nicely. There's a box or area here and there that can use some sorting but we're getting there one thing at a time. Every day I wake up I am more and more thankful for the home and area we live in. 

S's kindergarten graduation was so cute and I was successful in holding back my tears so I wouldn't embarrass her, haha. 

My parents came to stay with us for six weeks and we've been having a lot of fun. It's nice for the girls to have them around for a long visit since our visits are few and far between. 

(A big thank you to Kendra (and little Sailor) for taking the family pictures. We love them!)

Well anywho that's about all that's going on around here. See you next time. Happy summertime :)

mom jeans.

Look at us! Aren't we cute? doesn't this picture just scream..."happy, happy, happy!"

When I was just barely 20 years old I had my first daughter. I remember being ecstatic the entire time I was pregnant with her. I was barely ever nauseous and in a great mood. I just knew that when this little baby came everything would be perfect. I knew if I loved her enough and worked really, really hard our lives together would be bliss. The moment she was born was a huge and breath taking awakening (breath taking as in you fall from great heights and get the breath ripped out of your lungs and you curl up in air-less, gasping pain).

The moment I held her I was overcome with fear. I had never held a newborn. EVER. I just barely was old enough to go to the bathroom without asking for permission from an "adult". What the hell was I doing having a baby? I was so young, so uneducated, so unprepared, and completely and consumingly terrified.
That first 6 months was so dreadfully hard. First off I figured out that my body didn't know what the heck was going on and decided to practically shut down; which sent me on a emotional roller coaster called Postpartum Depression. I also figured out that although, God (or whomever made us) did intend for us to make fluid to feed our offspring the whole process was a little less than natural. I didn't know proper ways to have my little girl "latch on" or that latching on improperly would lead to deep bruises and bleeding in my most tender "areas". (OUCH!)

I remember being in the nursery in the green rocking chair and S was trying to nurse and she was so hungry and I was so tense from pain and I was trying to relax so I could have a let down. My mom was with me, trying to help through those first weeks and she was trying to give pointers (but she had never nursed either), and Little S was so frustrated, and I was so frustrated. It was no use. I was a total failure. What kind of mother can't feed her baby. All I wanted to do was bury myself in warm blankets, fall asleep and never wake up. But that wasn't an option. I kept trying and kept trying. Eventually I was in so much pain that tee-shirts and warm damp cloths made me cry out from pain. Nursing was officially off. I had completely failed. Then came the pumping. I tried to pump with a hand pump for a bit and finally invested in a good breast pump (I highly recommend spending the money if you will be pumping frequently.) The pain was still unreasonably high but I hung in there. It helped that S was getting full and becoming much more content, a full belly will do that to ya. Later I started using birth control and my milk completely dried up. I was so stupid. After the deed was already done I did some googling to find out that the b.c. was the reason I wasn't producing milk. I was so sad and guilt ridden, thinking I had failed to do my duty as my little girls mother and food source.

Then it was time to teach S to sleep without being rocked. Haha. This time I did a ton of research and found the Ferber Method. Yep, there is actually a man who put his name on the action of letting your child "cry it out". I wish I could say that doing all that research made it all a piece of cake...nope. In our tiny house there were not a lot of places to hide from the sound of your sweet little baby's crys. So down stairs I went stuffing my ears with my fingers and checking on her to soothe and cover her back up every 5 mins then 10mins then 15, 20, 30mins...etc. You get the idea. But it did work. It was so hard to hear her cry and cry and cry but it did work. After about 5 days she would fall asleep on her own in about 5 minutes. She to this day sleeps like a champ.

When S was about 18 months old her completely delightful self decided to go through the terrible twos. One minute she'd be a ball of smiles and sunshine and the next she'd be sprawled out on the floor screaming because her graham cracker broke. Then after more research and refusing to physically discipline her, I turned to a friend and my friend lent me to this book "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Glenn I. Latham. I didn't read the whole book because I needed to get it back to my friend but what I did read helped enormously with that stage in our lives.

Then S was 21 months old and I have another daughter and she has a sister and this little human is completely different than her sister. I remember thinking I was just going to have another S to bring home from the hospital but instead, from the first moment I saw her, she was different. S was slender and black haired with olive skin and almond eyes. H was chubby faced, red headed and light skinned, and had an adorable round nose. There temperaments, likes and dislikes, fears, giggles, habits, and mannerisms were all completely different. What made S laugh didn't always work with H. Everything needed to be tweaked and molded just for her, or really for all of us, because WE were all a little different now. I nursed H with complete ease. It was a wonderful experience (I did A LOT more research too). When H came along I was already used to packing a bag with diapers and wipes, drinking enough fluids to stay hydrated, preparing snacks for little people, unfolding the stroller with one hand..or well pretty much doing anything with one hand. I was just different. I had grown. I had changed. I was experienced in motherhood, I was experienced in adulthood...at least in was experienced in "my mother/adulthood".

Fast forward a couple of years. Life happened. Days went by. Birthday parties, easter hunts, naps, tantrums, dinners, life. Our family dynamic changed. Life changed and I was a single mother. I was in complete inner chaos and I was constantly trying to hold myself together and constantly trying to make everything seem okay that I actually did the opposite. I was wrecked with stress and grief and more stress that I just completely went into survival mode. "Just get through the day with smiles on the girls faces and everything will be alright." That was the goal for a while and then it started to become a habbit. But sometimes making everyone "happy" doesn't make everyone really happy. I was letting things go that should have been addressed and I was making a big deal out of things that didn't matter. I was so scrambled that I didn't know which way was up.

Fast forward, yet again, and things got a little better and then a little better still. Again, we all grew. We started to get used to our new lives, our new routines, and our new selves. I met a wonderful man who I fell in love with and chose to marry. He is a wonderful friend, husband, and step-father to me and my girls. As our lives got more routine we seemed to be more content and become truly happy again.

I still have a lot of growing left to do. My sweet little S and I butt heads more than I would like, I am still trying to work through negative feelings from my past, and I'm trying to figure out how this whole "parenting-step-parenting-work together as spouses/parents" thing is supposed to work. Sometimes I go to bed with a huge smile on my face and sometimes I'm awake racking my brain to figure out what to do to make things better, to make my parenting better, to make my co-parenting better, to make my "wife-ing" better.

I know that I still have the habit of trying to "make everyone happy" when I know that I need to just put my "mom jeans" on and make the hard decisions that, although don't make me all that popular, are the choices that need to be made for the better good. Sometimes I loose my temper and I so often see my flaws reflecting back at me in the actions of my children. But just like I did before...I will continue to love my girls sooo sooo sooo much and I will work really, really hard; I will never cease to research and grow and change, because that's what parents do. That's what adults do. We mold ourselves to become what our families need most, what we need most, what will make us happy...what will make us truly happy.

our wedding video.

To see our glorious wedding video captured and edited by the oh, so talented Ryan Baylis and Chris Garff (my husband) click here.

v-day.

 

A sneak peek at what our (early) Valentine's Day celebration has in store for us.

This is mine and the girls card from the bearded man.

 

I love him.

Best. Card. Ever.